Fellow Americans

As an American, I am endlessly tired of the asylum in the Washington DC Beltway screwing up our country. Whether Democrat or Republican, Conservative or Liberal, our elected officials are so drunk with power, so void of consciousness and so devout in their narcissism, that it is clear to everyone but themselves that they have brought us to the edge of implosion on the scale of the Roman, Greek, Egyptian and British Empires.

Our Government was built on the fact that if it no longer worked, if it got too big, or unjust, or just plain too silly, we should rise up take back control and overthrow the government. I fear we are reaching this stage much too fast.

But, I have not given up hope. I have but one life to give to my country, so I thought I might as well ask what I can do for my country. For this reason I am forming an exploratory committee to explore my options of running for President of the United States.

So here is my foreign/ domestic policy platform:

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH.. learn it...or LEAVE.
11) "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'
A special thanks to Robin Williams for outlining my Foreign / domestic policy so perfectly. I will strongly consider him for Secretary of State or Vice President.

View of Abortion: (cause they say you can't get elected without a position, like that’s the guiding star we should all choose for electing our government) I believe in a woman’s right to choose, because it is the law. I believe that if a woman is raped, or her health is in danger that she should have a choice. I also believe that only the Supreme Court interprets that law. However, I believe in something more basic. I believe that for most women, the right to choose took place BEFORE she got pregnant, in a bedroom, the back seat of a car, at prom, when she was drunk at a bar, or just because she didn’t want to say no. I believe that is when she made the choice and was free to do so. I believe that abortion absolves a woman of her first choice and should be applied universally. If abortion is the law, and freedom to choose the outcome of our decisions is upheld, then that must be applied universally to all who “make a choice” but are unwilling to live with the result. Therefore, it should be illegal for children who smoke to get lung cancer, because they should have the right to choose. Golfers, who slice the ball into the water, should not incur a penalty stroke for the hazard, nor the penalty of a drop, because they should have the right choose. Obese people should not have to endure the health problems of being overweight due to over eating. They should also have the right to choose what they want to eat, without consequences. In short, under this reasoning, anyone who does not like the outcome should be allowed to choose if they are willing to accept or reject that outcome.

View of Personal responsibility:
Hand in hand on my stance of abortion is my position on personal responsibility. I believe that everyone should be held responsible for everything. All of us, responsible for everything. It is all our fault. Except in the cases of men who get women to the state in the above paragraph, they too should have the right to choose the outcome of their actions.

View of Tort Reform:
If we are all responsible for everything, then there is no reason for tort laws in our country. This will rid the U.S. of more than half of all lawyers in the US, freeing up the courts to decide important things like religion in our schools.

Employment Policy:
After we release half the lawyers and secure our boarders, the lawyers will step in and take the jobs left over by migrant workers. It is about time that they earned an honest living.

View of Religion in our Schools:
I believe that there should be no religion in our schools, none. No religious works, no faith, no prayer and absolutely no Mel Gibson’s Passions, or Passions of any sort. This therefore, would include Al Gore’s passion for fighting global warming, Nancy Pelosi’s passion for bringing down George Bush, George Bush’s passion for beating terrorists and CNN’s or FOX's passion for news. Neither will Bobby’s passions for Suzy be allowed either!

My Energy Policy:
Drill in Alaska. Find out how much is there and how long it will last. Divide that number by three. That is the time we absolutely, positively, without exception must have alternative fuels in place or we dissolve our government. If the people in the capital can’t create energy by then, they shouldn’t be in power. (did you get the word play there? Energy, power? O.K. here's a marble.

My Education Policy:
There should be a voluntary 25% contribution from all professional athletes, successful movie stars, music stars, corporate CEO’s, real estate moguls or anyone who make more than 10 times the national median income. The 25% contribution is not negotiable, and without loopholes. They should want to give back to their schools and communities. This money will go directly into a fund and divided by all teachers equally. They can live off 75% of what they are making, the rest of us do it everyday.

All schools should be privatized. We’ve now done it that way for 50 years without success, let’s try it the other way for 50 years and then compare.

My drug Policy:
Take North Dakota, (no one is living in most of it anyway,) and build a big electric fence around the perimeter and post guards every hundred yards with orders to shoot anyone trying to escape. On a user's or dealer's third offence, transfer them to North Dakota Treatment Facility. If they really want help, they will flee to the Canadian boarder for health care. The walk alone should dry them out.

Legalization of Marijuana:
No. I’m not stupid. All you pot heads can’t remember when to vote anyway. Want some cookies?

Boarder Policy:
Read statement given by Secretary of State Robin Williams, nothing goes in and nothing comes out. Unless we know about it and can track it.

Foreign trade Policy:
Trade equally. Period. If lets say China has a surplus of $100 million, they could buy 3,500 Chevy’s. If Japan has a $500 million dollar surplus, they could buy 5 billion shares of Enron. You get the picture.

Gun Control:
Criminals should not have guns. Therefore we should trade food stamps, rent assistance, housing subsidies and child care for guns and ammunition. Set up the operations right in the pawn shops or check cashing stores in those neighborhoods, they are not hard to find. No I am not implying that all criminals are poor, but let’s be serious here, more crime is committed in neighborhoods with higher concentrations of check cashing and pawns shops than in others. It will just make it easier.
"NO, a knife will only get you three days of food. Go over to your hommies crib, get his AK47 and bring it to me, then we'll talk about a months worth."

Political Correctness Policy:
People tell me daily that I have to be tolerant of others who beliefs are not mine. They say I have to accept sexual orientations, different religions, and people’s actions I don’t agree with. They say that there can be no lines drawn, no demarcation of any kind between right and wrong, even if there are state laws against it. All must be accepted. How stupid is that? Under those terms bestiality, child pornography and human sacrifice are all O.K. Oh, wait, you say there is a line? You believe that it is before those things? What makes you so smart as to know where to draw that line for me. Thanks, but I will draw that line where I see fit and so should every father and mother in this country. I will choose when to call a duck a duck.

Immigration Policy:
At the boarder, each person entering the US will have a GPS monitor implanted. We will then know EXACTLY where they are at all times. What human rights violations? They still have a choice, but if they want to be in the U.S. they got to get implanted. That’s how we know where all the movie stars are, simply follow the implants!

Farm Policy:
Grow food, lots of food, all kinds of food. After we close our boarders we are going to need it. Because we need it, we will get better at it and use the ground more wisely.

Term limit policy:
Member of congress can only serve for four terms, Senators for two, Presidents for one. We’ve seen what long term politicians can do to our country. Completely new blood with every new generation.

Line Item Policy
I will line item veto every single add on to every single bill that crosses my desk. If you want some money to build a geese museum in your state, go ask everyone in your state for a dollar! I will not tolerate pork barrel spending in any shape or form. If you want something be strait up about it and ask your constituents for the money. If they don’t have it you probably don’t need it.

Media Policy
I pledge to shut down every 24 hour news outlet in the country. It won’t matter; they are making half this stuff up anyway! You try filling 24 hours of news programming without sensationalism, 4 hours of talking heads, entertainment gossip, and catering to your base with half truths and unsubstantiated information. It’s hard.

Channels should be limited to 4 hours a day. That’s it, and then we can all bet back to work instead of watching the news.

Health Care policy:
Honestly, I haven’t got a clue. It is so screwed up now; it is like trying to chuck a frog to the moon. As soon as I am elected I will have the cast of Grey's Anatomy and ER look into it. I will also include Fifty Cent and a couple of other rappers on the committee just to keep them honest.

Vacation Policy:
I want a royal Caribbean cruise ship parked in the Potomac. That way I can stay close, but be far, far away. Oh, everyone else gets three weeks minimum.

Stupidity Policy:
I heard a comedian say once, you get five marbles. Each time you say something stupid, you have to give someone a marble. When you are out of marbles, you can’t say anything else the rest of the day. No. Shhh. No, not another word. You have already used all your marbles today.

You may not agree with everything in my policies, but ask yourself, do you like it more than any of the people running now?